So it’s been 18 months since I abandoned my blog. Many times I have considered coming back to it but I have found myself lacking the will to do much of anything. You have to be in just the right frame of mind to write about the deep stuff. Tonight feels right!
My health has taken a nosedive and there are lots of stressful events happening within our family. I felt severely fatigued, overwhelmed and distraught that everything was so much out of my control. My healthcare team were aware I had begun blogging, tackling serious issues from my life journey, they questioned whether it could be having an impact on my physical health. I’m pretty sure you develop Diabetes from a bad diet amongst other factors but I had to concede that perhaps it could possibly be having an impact on my mental wellbeing although I was sceptical.
I like to think I’m “over” my traumatic childhood but the truth is that not a day goes by without some reminder; something said to me, a line from a book, a moment in a tv show, a memory triggered by smell or sound, a dream or a multitude of other ways. At some point every day I spend time thinking about the things that have made me who I am. I have come to understand myself completely. I know who I am and what made me the person I have become. I know why I have that urge to eat something naughty to fill that wound inside me that will never fully heal. I know why I have such a need to feel in control of myself and those around me. I know when I feel down I get the urge to buy things that we don’t really need. I have not come to terms with my past but I have come to understand that I am not to blame. I still feel sorrow, anger and occasionally even fear and I have to remind myself that that’s okay. No I am not over my past but I don’t believe that putting my musings into type has harmed my health.
I do think I overdid things. With my limited energy I have to be very careful to pace myself; especially at times where my health is a little worse than usual. When I’m really interested in something I can get carried away and perhaps I pushed myself too hard to produce interesting posts too frequently while so much else was going on. This time I will just be here to write when and if I am able.
At this stage of my life I seem to see things clearer, although there is still anguish it is certainly less sharp, through the passing of time I have become a more confident person. Once I had left home and sought help I was sent to a see psychiatrist and added to a group meeting too. I would leave these so upset and anxious and my mental health deteriorated rapidly. For me the only way to cope was to shut it all away; however unhealthy that may be. As a lost, out on my own and way off the track young woman the recommended treatment for victims of abuse was not the right fit with me and pushed me to the brink of suicide. Keeping it all pinned down, examining small moments at a time, I built an insight without having it all avalanche down on me. It has only been in the last few years I was able to face the parts that were most disturbing to me and find a modicum of peace within myself and finally letting go of the disgust and deep guilt I felt within myself. It has taken all this time to forgive myself and to believe 100% that I was not to blame. I have found much love and happiness and although I certainly would have liked a less traumatic path it has not stopped me finding contentment.
It’s always been my hope that by writing honestly about my experiences in the past and in dealing with my ill health now that I could help others and could give my family a deeper understanding of who I am and deepen those bonds between us even more. When I was a little girl I remember telling my Nana that when I grew up I was going to write a book about her because she was fascinating! It always saddens me that I was not able to get to know her through adult eyes as she passed away while I was still a teenager.
and so, my friend, I hope to be around a lot more again but not to become overly obsessed again!
Living with Shadows 
Welcome back. I think that no matter where we go in life, working places, schools, doctors etc. then we will meet people with whom we can talk and with whom we can’t talk with. We are different. I know from myself that I needed another psychologist than the first I met, when I was in need. No. 2 was so good and helped me a lot. Maybe group therapy isn’t the best for you, maybe one by one will help yiu to heal better. Wish you all the best.
Thank you Irene, thank you for the welcome back. It’s good to be here. yes I do think we have to “click” with someone and feel there is trust to be able to talk freely. I mostly feel at peace but there are reminders in so much that can trip me up. thanks again
Hi Shelley, I’m so glad you’re back. I wish you continues healing and stable health and joy. I’ve also left my blog vacant for nearly a year, but I will get back to it in a few months. Even if you don’t want to publish your work here, keep writing. It’s part of your process of becoming whole. The best to you.
Shari *: )
Hi Shari, thanks for the warm welcome. It’s so easy to say okay today I will get back to my blog and half an hour later be completely occupied in something else! Hopefully I can make this become a habit. Not being one of the tech savvy generation social media is still a little alien to me! I do find there’s nothing quite like writing to bring my thoughts together so I will hopefully keep at it. I look forward to when you return to blogging yourself. My best wishes to you.
No pressure! Love to hear from you, but you have to take care of yous, too! So if you have time to blog and it feels right go for it. But if there’s too much going on or you’re exhausted — we’ll still be here when you’re ready!
-Nel
Hi Nel, Thank you so much for your understanding. One of the things that worried me about returning was that people may be annoyed at my disappearance then to just pop back up waving hi again. I would love to be writing each and every day but my strength is so limited and writing about my health and an abusive childhood is tough on you mentally. With so much other things on my mind I just took the advice of the professionals to “take a break for a while” and let it keep on sliding. so your comment means a lot to me. thanks
Why don’t you write about your Nana? Even just a simple life story laced with your memories? If she was a source of joy in your life, she may be a source of joy in healing your memories.
thank you, i have written pieces about her and i’m sure i wil write more but i still wish i’d had just a little more time with her to hear more of stories or to hear the old stories adult to adult. i have a photo of her from 1914 when she was an army nurse and i see her as my nana so many year older and so much life lived to talk about.
We totally get it! Be safe. -Nel
Thank you for visiting my blog. You have a wonderful Blog and I hope you write more and share your experiences.
thank you. i will most definately write more. i just haven’t been in the mood for it. i’ve been indulging in candle making, nail art, baking, time with family, staying warm with my hubby soaking in too much tv! i’d write tonight but i’m entertaining my darling neice tomorrow and that’s going to take a whole lot of energy i don’t have so getting to bed is my priority now!
Well done. A wonderfully positive decision. Now following you.
So behave. 😁
thank you. i’m behaving as much as i have to and as little as i can get away with 😉
So glad you’re back and sharing with us all again… one day at a time and remember we are so much more than our physical body that lets us down… but it has brought us to survive it all and so much more. Love to you, Barbara x
thank you barbara, my head is not in the right place for writing at the moment but i am continuing to recover, learning to be happy inside my disfunctional body is ongoing but again i am getting there. i am fairly proud that it’s got me this far after all it’s been through so yes i’m learning to love all of it but will continue to shrink it down a bit!