So it’s been 18 months since I abandoned my blog. Many times I have considered coming back to it but I have found myself lacking the will to do much of anything. You have to be in just the right frame of mind to write about the deep stuff. Tonight feels right!
My health has taken a nosedive and there are lots of stressful events happening within our family. I felt severely fatigued, overwhelmed and distraught that everything was so much out of my control. My healthcare team were aware I had begun blogging, tackling serious issues from my life journey, they questioned whether it could be having an impact on my physical health. I’m pretty sure you develop Diabetes from a bad diet amongst other factors but I had to concede that perhaps it could possibly be having an impact on my mental wellbeing although I was sceptical.
I like to think I’m “over” my traumatic childhood but the truth is that not a day goes by without some reminder; something said to me, a line from a book, a moment in a tv show, a memory triggered by smell or sound, a dream or a multitude of other ways. At some point every day I spend time thinking about the things that have made me who I am. I have come to understand myself completely. I know who I am and what made me the person I have become. I know why I have that urge to eat something naughty to fill that wound inside me that will never fully heal. I know why I have such a need to feel in control of myself and those around me. I know when I feel down I get the urge to buy things that we don’t really need. I have not come to terms with my past but I have come to understand that I am not to blame. I still feel sorrow, anger and occasionally even fear and I have to remind myself that that’s okay. No I am not over my past but I don’t believe that putting my musings into type has harmed my health.
I do think I overdid things. With my limited energy I have to be very careful to pace myself; especially at times where my health is a little worse than usual. When I’m really interested in something I can get carried away and perhaps I pushed myself too hard to produce interesting posts too frequently while so much else was going on. This time I will just be here to write when and if I am able.
At this stage of my life I seem to see things clearer, although there is still anguish it is certainly less sharp, through the passing of time I have become a more confident person. Once I had left home and sought help I was sent to a see psychiatrist and added to a group meeting too. I would leave these so upset and anxious and my mental health deteriorated rapidly. For me the only way to cope was to shut it all away; however unhealthy that may be. As a lost, out on my own and way off the track young woman the recommended treatment for victims of abuse was not the right fit with me and pushed me to the brink of suicide. Keeping it all pinned down, examining small moments at a time, I built an insight without having it all avalanche down on me. It has only been in the last few years I was able to face the parts that were most disturbing to me and find a modicum of peace within myself and finally letting go of the disgust and deep guilt I felt within myself. It has taken all this time to forgive myself and to believe 100% that I was not to blame. I have found much love and happiness and although I certainly would have liked a less traumatic path it has not stopped me finding contentment.
It’s always been my hope that by writing honestly about my experiences in the past and in dealing with my ill health now that I could help others and could give my family a deeper understanding of who I am and deepen those bonds between us even more. When I was a little girl I remember telling my Nana that when I grew up I was going to write a book about her because she was fascinating! It always saddens me that I was not able to get to know her through adult eyes as she passed away while I was still a teenager.
and so, my friend, I hope to be around a lot more again but not to become overly obsessed again!