Awakening to Life. Part 2


My Uncle lived with us when I was little, he needed a place to stay and my mother needed the extra cash. Our first home was a two bedroom apartment. Mother had her own bedroom and my uncle and I shared the other. They were happy times. We had bunk beds and I have one vivid memory of sharing them! The mattress rested on a series of slats which were joined together by two strips of tough material. The top and bottom slats held in place on wooden pegs. Somehow the top slat had jumped loose from the pegs. during the night the slats slowly worked themselves down the bed, bunching up together and the mattress slowly tipping downwards. At some point during the night gravity did its work and I slid down through the bed landing squarely on my poor uncles’ head! It was one hell of a wake up for us! No injuries thankfully and after our hearts had stopped beating their way through our chests we were able to have a good laugh! He put up with being woken up often, nosebleeds, pains, nightmares but never one any more memorable than that! He always showed such caring and patience. I loved sharing a room with him, he wasn’t always around, often spending time at his girlfriends but when he was it was lovely. I felt loved and safe.

In our next home we had separate rooms but we still hung out a lot. I adored his taste in rock music and whenever I heard it start I’d go through. I’d get a row from mother most times she found me there, being a country, musicals and pop girl she didn’t approve of my musical education! I’d also spend time with him in the little shed where he worked on his motorbike and sometimes he would take me to the park or beach. He joined the merchant navy when I was around eight and he would be away months at a time. I missed him so much; he had given me permission to listen to his records as long as I was very careful and so I would do as often as I could get away with. Sometimes I would go into his room just to lie on his bed, you could still smell his scent and it made me feel nearer to him. It was so exciting when he would come home, there were always presents but having him back was the best gift. He can’t have been in the merchant navy more than two years when mother got a phone call to say he was missing. It was weeks before they found him. He wasn’t alive. He’d had an accident in port and drowned.

There was so much sorrow but also anger as our family got further ripped apart by my mothers’ greed. My mother decided she was moving away, leaving our hometown behind and separating me from my grandfather. I was lost and frightened. Then this one day my mother told me to bring her my hot water bottle to be filled. I should have fished under the covers at the bottom of the bed as usual but I decided to be awkward instead and so I burrowed under the covers from the top down. I have no idea how what happened next happened! Did I fall asleep, daydream or did my dead uncle visit me? I felt the blackness open up, I  was still in complete darkness but it no longer felt like I was in a small space and there with me was my uncle. I ran to him, throwing myself at him and he scooped me up into a hug. He sat down and placed me in his lap. I can’t remember the exact conversation but I know I said something along the lines of “So you aren’t dead anymore! That’s good!” He looked at me so sadly and he told me he wasn’t able to be with us anymore but he needed to talk to me. He told me things were going to get difficult but I was a strong girl. He told me that things would be okay, that I would be okay. That he would be with me and always watching. He began to say something else but I was ripped from that place. Rough hands were hauling me out of the bed. Mother was yelling, how dare I ignore her, I must have heard her calling, I’d be getting no bottle for making her wait and all the while she spanked me. I said “but mum I was talking to uncle” and she grew furious but it was pain I saw in her eyes. “You and your bloody lies” she screamed! I stopped trying to explain and just cried.

In my teens I would sneak into mothers bedroom cupboard and take my favourite album from the box of his possessions to listen to for a while. I would hold the gifts he had given to me that she had confiscated and remember him. When I got married I longed for him to be there and see what a good man I had in my life. As my children were born and grew I wished he could hold them and give them the love he had given me. And when I became so ill I would silently ask him how much longer I needed to be strong, why so much pain, was I a bad person that deserved this?

One afternoon I got answers. If you have read part 1 of this you will know where I was in my life. If you have not then I will just say I was in a very bad state of mind, I had given up the fight and felt ready to welcome death.

I was in bed, the curtains drawn, not sleeping but just lying there. My husband came up to let me know he was going to collect our son from school and would get the shopping in, I nodded. He asked if I wanted anything, I shook my head, no. He left. I felt drowsy, held by my usual medication haze. I found myself in an open blackness and a figure approached. A Dark figure yet I could see clearly in the blackness, he had a face but yet did not, I can’t really explain. He had a soft blur over his a face, features as if seen through opaque glass. “Hello” I said and “Hello” he replied, “I am here to help you understand”. “Understand what?” I snapped. There was no hint of irritation from the figure, he radiated peace and I felt no fear. He told me there were some things I needed to know. He told me there are many paths open to us during our lives and there are many divergences along these paths. He explained to me that there was at one point a road for me onwards in my hometown, a safe road, one that would see me fulfil my dreams but one that was shut off to me. The other path left had been treacherous but I had been strong.

He told me we don’t always get the life we want but sometimes we end up with the life we need. I felt a truth in this.. I was waking from my nightmare.

Down this road I had learned to rely on myself and in all relationships I held up a wall, a glass wall that I could see through but not fully feel through. It was hard for me to trust, it was hard for me to need help.

I had stayed strong but my strength had fled. I was left vulnerable and scared but having to ask for help, to rely on others to get me through was not something I could tolerate easily. I was to be relied upon, I was to be needed. I did not want to need.

He told me I had the life I NEED! I have the people I NEED!

I had a husband who made me feel so loved and needed.

I had children who made me feel so loved and needed.

I had a family that was there for me.

It was time to awaken and realise it was okay, it was alright for me to let the truth out that I needed them more!

I began to cry, I didn’t just hear him, I could feel his words change me. Something deep and dark lifted within me. I thanked him, “I understand now” I said. He placed a hand on my shoulder and then turned,   beginning to walk away.  “Wait” I said “Why can’t I see your face?” I asked him. It suddenly seemed extremely important for me to ask this, his not there face bothered me now. I know you I thought.. I know who you are! He stopped but didn’t turn around “Because you have forgotten what I look like Shelley!” “Uncle” I yelled out! I hadn’t seen a photograph of him in 30 years and yes I had no clear recollection of his features, just an opaque memory. I began to run to him but I never reached him. I was back in the world with my husbands hand on my shoulder “I’m home hunny, do you need anything?” I started to cry, he looked panicked. I was sobbing; I could not speak at all. He climbed up beside me and cuddled me “What is it hunny?”

I cried for a long time before I was able to talk. When I was able I was fearful, “you’re going to laugh at me”, “you won’t believe me” I said but I told him everything. I told him about my dream/visitation, I told him about how I had been feeling, I told him how sorry I was and how much I needed him. I had been relying on my husband from day one but not enough, not fully trusting, not being fully open; too much fear. I felt unburdened. I let my last wall crash down.

Then I got up, I was wide awake now.

I was still worried about our troubles but I knew I could get through anything with my family at my side. Letting them help me as I help them and that is what I have done. I have embraced my vulnerability and I have shared it and I feel stronger now than ever.

One last part to the story..

I phoned up my grandad the next day to catch up, He told me something strange had happened the previous day. That it has been a really dark gloomy day. In the late afternoon he stood looking out the window when suddenly light parted the deep cloud and a small beam of brilliant light shone through for just a short time and then was gone. Wow! I immediately knew I’d have to share my experience with him, taking the chance he would think I was crazy! He didn’t call me crazy! What I found out was a revelation! Before my uncle died he had hoped to convince my mother to allow me to stay behind, perhaps to live with himself and his girlfriend? I don’t know  but there was my closed off path.  I have two thoughts on the beam of light, I feel it as was meant as a starter to that conversation and it was a sign of love to my grandad.

So I have no idea what my experiences were. I was raised a christian but I lost my faith many years ago though I still feel I am a spiritual person. Maybe I was simply dreaming, maybe my subconscious was talking to me or just maybe the spirit of my uncle visited me to save me.

The awakening  experience challenge by Barbara Franken

http://memymagnificentself.wordpress.com/2014/01/31/january-challenge-our-awakening-experiences/

January
1st     Barbara  – http://memymagnificentself.wordpress.com
2nd    Paddy    – http://paddypicasso.wordpress.com
3rd     Emanuel- http://emantable.com/musings-of-a-table/
6th     Julianne – http://juliannevictoria.com
7th     Sarah     – http://theskycladwriter.wordpress.com
8th     Shree     – http://heartsongsblog.wordpress.com
9th     Dace      – http://mywaytotruth.wordpress.com
10th   Korinn    – http://www.korinn.com
11th   Sindy     – http://bluebutterfliesandme.wordpress.com
12th   Stefanie – http://dancingwithstefanie.com
13th   Mick      – http://meticulousmick.wordpress.com
15th   Megan   – http://mychroniclifejourney.wordpress.com
16th   Pat         – http://patinspire.org
17th   Marga    – http://lifeasimprov.com
18th   Kimberley – http://kimberlyharding.wordpress.com
21st   Heather     – http://wildflowerwomen.wordpress.com
23rd    Sue          – http://suedreamwalker.wordpress.com
24th    M…          – http://seeingm.wordpress.com
25th    Brian G    – http://middlepane.com
26th    Dotta       – http://dottaraphels.wordpress.com
27th    CW          – http://sunflowerrosecw.wordpress.com
28th    Laurie       – http://lauriesnotes.wordpress.com
29th    Debra       – http://ptero9.com
30th    Linda        – http://lindalitebeing.wordpress.com
31st    Michael     – http://navigator1965.wordpress.com
February
1st      Leigh        – http://bluegrassnotes.wordpress.com
2nd     Shaman   – http://shamanictracking.com
3rd     Joss         – http://ccwow.wordpress.com
4th     Jenna       – http://jennadee222.wordpress.com
5th     Shelley     – https://livingwithshadows.wordpress.com
6th     Elisabeth  – http://almostspring.com
7th     Michael    – http://embracingforever.com
8th     Lehua       – http://amusingspirit.wordpress.com
9th     Aleya        – http://alohaleya.wordpress.com

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15 thoughts on “Awakening to Life. Part 2

  1. Thank you for your honesty and openness. I had a heart opening when my little dog died and I saw her in a dream walking away from me, with a voice saying she’d come to teach me unconditional love, her work was done and she needed to move on. It was life-changing for me, as your visitation from your uncle was for you. I hope all works out well for you and your family.

    • Thank you for your kind words. i am sure things will work out fine. The thing is i am well aware how much worse things could be, how much worse other people face every day and i am grateful for all the fantastic, great, wonderful things i do have in my life. I am happy for you to have had such a life changing experience through love. our animal family are always there with their unconditional love happy to share, there is a lot to learn from them for sure.

  2. I can feel the love in your family, in spite of all the pain and the suffering. And it’s beautiful to me, a love that is constant and something you can rely on. And the story of your uncle brought tears to my eyes. I believe we can communicate with those who have passed, and it’s easiest in dreams because all the things that distract us when we’re awake, are gone.

    • thank you, i feel very lucky to have my family..we are not materially wealthy but i feel rich beyond measure to have and have had such great relationships. they more than make up for the bad. i am sorry i caused you tears but it makes me happy that i was fully able to convey this pivotal moment in my life. i had never thought about all the distractions while we are awake and how that would make our dreams the best place for communication. i dream so often of my uncle and my nana, now i view then as guidance! Thank you so much for that! wow! mindblown! Funny how i think myself older and wiser now but still have so much to learn! lol!

  3. IAM so so happy that you could finally release all the walls of protection that you had built up from such a young age… I can actually feel the release and now you heal at your own pace, with heart and soul wide open to be with life… Thank you so much for sharing your magnificent self with us all… Here’s to the new adventure… enjoy it all… Barbara x

  4. While not everything in your story is exactly the same as mine, I had a similar experience. I think we are both extremely blessed to have the support and love of the people around us. Thank you for sharing this ❤

  5. Living, I was spellbound by your post, I was sad as I read part 1, seeing things I didn’t want to see, having feeling that i didn’t want to have. But this brought it back for me. I am so glad you had your vision, your revelation, abd at both your husband and grand father to share with, and be loved. Take care, Bill

    • Thank you Bill, high praise indeed! yes part 1 was a difficult and emotional writing task but was essential in portraying the contrast after my dream vision. part 2 was still emotional but in a great way. i really enjoyed writing it all down in detail and remembering how it felt and how it changed me. i am very lucky to have great men in my life! you take care too! hope you are keeping better now.

  6. Shelly, I’m, so happy to continue your journey with Part 2. Your uncle sounds like a wonderful person who left you too soon. I’m glad he was in your life. And I do believe he keeps returning to you.

  7. That is amazing, I was feeling sad, then a tingle throughout me as I was reading on. Your husband sounds so lovely, you are lucky and your family, your Uncle and Grandfather, gosh. It is hard when you lose someone you love so much, they never go, it is like with me and my mother. When I am feeling in my dark moments it is always her I think of and emotionally talk to in my head. That is uncanny, not sure if that is the right word about the two paths and how now you found out what the other path could have been, not many people get those answers, it’s fantastic, you can see the two parallels and how you have moved on, become strong, got through so much.

    Thank you for sharing that, i love you writing and appreciate how amazingly open you have been x

    • thank you justine, i do see myself as being lucky in life, the darkness of the past increases my recognition of how good things are now… and now is all that matters at the end of the day. The answers i found through this experience gave me so much closeure on those times and helped me put them firmly behind me. those we love will always be in our hearts and minds even once they have passed on. you know how deep a bond you had when you are still able to be guided by their memory!

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